So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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