Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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