3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
