Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
