this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
