i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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