My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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