Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
