Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
