My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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