I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
