I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
