she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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