I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
