And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
