I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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