ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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