i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
