we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm at about main and main street
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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