Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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