Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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