you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
