I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I skipped work to stalk him.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
