Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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