Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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