You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
