can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
