I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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