I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
