Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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