I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
