Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
