There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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