All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
