and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
