Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
