I can text with my tongue
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
