dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
