i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Semen is not good for contacts.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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