my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize