why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
