i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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