there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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