Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
