I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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