Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
