my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
