I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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