if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have tasted many bathrooms
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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