I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
