if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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