you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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