So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize