I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
