so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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