i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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