just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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