Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
